Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Pain Doesn't Lie

On December 19th my son had a problem with his car. He asked me to look at it, so I followed him outside and checked it out. I figured out what the issue was, and told him that we would have to take it to a garage for repairs, because the bracket holding his alternator was in need of welding. I turned to walk away, and suddenly, there was a little something ‘funny’ in my back. No pain. No noise. No real identifiable or explainable event, I just felt a little weird spot as I walked. Now mind you, I had not lifted anything, bent over, or fallen. I just turned to walk away.

The next day, I could not tie my shoes, brush my teeth, put on my socks, or even put gel on my hair. My back HURT. It hurt bad. I don’t have insurance, so I did not go to the Dr., instead I ‘borrowed’ some meds from a friend. (is that illegal…don’t judge me! I was in pain). The meds were just muscle relaxers. They did not help.

I hurt bad until last week, and it was this morning, February 10th, that I put on my shoes with no pain. I still cannot touch my toes.

This pain is another reminder that I am growing older. My teenagers and twentyagers do not understand at all how much it hurts, or that it got hurt doing nothing. They cannot relate to a pulled ligament. I couldn’t either when I was young. But, alas, I am not young. I am not old, but I am not young.

These are the things that I have been thinking about lately. My mid-life crisis is not the same as many men have. I am not going to go purchase a sports car and start wearing bling. I am not going to try to relive my High School/College days. I do not want to act young.

But I don’t want to be old.

I don’t want to be old because it is a reminder that my life is not a line, it is a line segment. It had a beginning and it will have an end. I am mortal. This mortality that I face as I wince while brushing my teeth due to my strained back tells me that I do not have that many years left to invest my life in the lives of others. I do not have that many years left to put treasure in heaven. I do not have that many years left to impact this world.

That is my crisis. My life is here for a reason and I want it to count. I am not scared of dying. I am not scared of living. I just want to live a life that outlives my life. As I look at the years ahead of me, I must realize that even though I have years ahead, each year I will have less ability to be productive than the year before. My energy and ability are declining.

My mid-life crisis is this. How do I make the second half of my life impact more people and invest more treasure in eternity than the first half has…when I know that I will have less resources to invest?

Suggestions? I have been thinking about this a lot and have some ideas, but what are you thinking?